Dear Diaries,

Hello, people of the Internet!

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:20:32 -0600

How much do I love twitter? It’s like the instant gratification version of the web. In the past few days, I was told about the reprinting of the Babysitters Club books (see this Nylon blog post), found out that a lot of people have been reminiscing about Sweet Valley because of some weird twitter trends (#90stweet and #rememberwhen/#doyouremember), and got followed by the mysterious paper-hatted representative of the Chicago Tribune (@coloneltribune). It’s been quite a week.

Anyway, if some form of Internet gossip brought you here today (and we both know it did), look around and have fun. It starts small at Book 1: Double Love and starts to get big round about Book 8: Heartbreaker. And seriously, we’re only like a quarter of the way through. And it’s been almost four years. So stick around.

Love,
Marissa

P.S. The cover of Book 35 is extra cheesy. Check it out...twitter style.

34. Forbidden Love

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 19:55:33 -0600

Dear Diaries,
So in my junior year college, I met a handsome young Wisconsonite. He was a jock but he loved Dostoyevsky; he was a genius but he wasn’t afraid to ask what a word meant. One day, he told me that part of him wished he’d gotten married in high school, run off with his bride and built a cabin in the woods. Oh, be still my 20-year-old heart.

Even at 20, though, I saw a flaw in his never-actualized plan. He was still only 18, still kind of an idiot. What would his 16-year-old self have done with a wife? Where would he have gotten a cabin? These questions were unromantic and hypothetical, so I didn’t ask them. But come on, Matt. No one gets married in high school anymore.

This was also true in 1987, but that didn’t matter to Maria and Michael. They were star-crossed lovers with dueling families! They were underage! They were practically Romeo and Juliet. Maybe they should have read that play through to the end, as it would have saved them some serious time and trouble. But then they wouldn’t have learned a valuable lesson, and neither would we have. Spoiler alert: the lesson is “you’re too young to get married.”

Maria Santelli and Michael Harris fell in love after their fathers (former business partners) had a huge falling out and forbade them from seeing one another (even as friends). Michael then proposed to Maria, determined to prove to his parents that the two were serious about their relationship (because that’s a super solid reason to get married) and then planned to tell the families. Maria thought this was a great plan – they were in love, after all, and all love leads to marriage, right? – but even at the outset of this book she’s beginning to think that it’s time they get this out into the open. It seems that Michael now has cold feet about breaking the news to their feuding parents, and wants to wait until the time is right. This is what their first fights are about. Yeah, they had their first fight after getting engaged.

The engagement is hot gossip at Sweet Valley High, partly because Maria hangs with a gossipy crowd: she’s a cheerleader. The squad (especially Jessica Wakefield) is all totally enchanted with the romanticism of a secret engagement, but when sensible, never-cheering Elizabeth Wakefield catches wind, she is dubious. Aren’t they a little young? Elizabeth gets further involved when she finds out about a further complication. Maria has been coaching Winston Egbert to help him become liaison to the PTA for the student council (I know, right? What a random office.). Winston has begun to harbor a bit of a crush on Maria, and Maria really enjoys Winston’s company. Michael seems to be preternaturally aware of this mutual affection, and thus throws a little fit whenever Maria tries to help Winston with anything. Trying to be faithful, Maria extricates herself from the deal with Winston, and calls Elizabeth to get her to take Maria’s place. Liz is not her typical helpful self:

“In the first place, I’m way too busy to do anything for the next week. I’m helping Jeffery with a special photo insert for The Oracle, and I’ve got tons of homework. I really don’t have time to take on anything else for the next few weeks.”

“You said ‘in the first place,’ ” Maria pressed her. “Does this mean you have another reason, besides being too busy?”

“Well, I just don’t think I should get involved. You and Winston had an agreement. It seems to me that you owe it to him to follow through.”

Oh, snap! Maria does not like this, her secret reason being that it sheds some light on how serious her problems with Michael are. She’s going to marry someone who doesn’t trust her? That seems a little scary to Maria. And no, the book doesn’t spell all this out persay, but we can read between the lines. It’s been 34 books, people.

There is another little plot device that helps move things along. Conveniently enough, it’s time for some members the junior class to take Mr. Jaworski’s special mock-marriage seminar. You know, like from that one episode of Saved by the Bell where Lisa is allergic to Screech. Same deal. Despite a totally random selection process, Maria and Michael end up paired together as a married couple for the exercise. They are then forced, like all the couples, to make a budget based on assigned careers and incomes, to make housing and parenting decisions, and to come to a consensus that they’ll present to the class.

Had Michael and Maria been good candidates for marriage, this would have been a handy opportunity to make some realistic plans. But they are, in fact, 16-year-olds. And they know jack shit about each other, apparently. Simple discussions like “do we send our troubled child to a therapist?’ create serious drama.

“You’re not going to hit our son, Michael. He obviously needs a psychologist. Your attitude is probably why he’s doing this in the first place. Can’t you see this is just a cry for help?”

“That’s dumb,” Michael said. “I don’t believe that sort of stuff. It’s all pop psychology.”

The drama hits it’s zenith when the couple have a fight about Winston, telling their parents, everything, as they head to a party at Lila Fowler’s mansion. They enter sulkily only to find that it’s a surprise engagement party for them. And pretty much the whole junior class is their, including Winston. Win asks Maria to dance, and Michael throws a fit, announcing to everyone over the P.A. that he’s running for the PTA liaison position with Maria as his advisor. Winston, scandalized, runs out. Maria, outraged with Michael’s jealous move, runs after him. Michael feels like that’s the final straw and runs to the door to find…the Harrises and the Santellis! Their parents! They caught wind of the engagement party and came over to stop the engagement. They were a little too late.

In the end, Michael and Maria become just friends, the Harrises and Santellis mend their differences, and Maria and Winston start dating. Winston wins his election, and everything goes back to sort of normal. At least, normal for teenagers. Maria and Michael learned that teenage romance and lasting marriage are not always one and the same, and pledge to be more free-wheeling but realistic in the future. It seems like Romeo and Juliet are dead by their own hands. But, you know, figuratively.

33. Starting Over

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 18:21:43 -0500

So I've been sitting on this book for ages now, and I can't really say why. Confusion over the introduction of a real tragic figure (Dana Larson's cousin, who's spent her whole life as a foster child)? Stunned disbelief at this whole Diablo Cody thing (still waiting to hear from you, Ms. Cody!)? I don't know. But here it is at last: Book 33, "Starting Over."

In case you don't recall, Dana Larson is the sassy, gold lamé legginged lead singer of The Droids, whose fashion-forward look is mentioned virtually everytime she is. This book, however, is less about Dana than about a brand new character, he cousin Sally Larson. Sally's parents were pretty awful, and sent Sally into the foster care system as a young child. A 13-year veteran of foster care, Sally lives her life from day to day, never confident that she's found her real home. She carries that apprehension with her to Sweet Valley when the Larsons invite her to come live with them.

Dana is also feeling a bit apprehensive. She's not sure how to act around Sally, and she really doesn't want to tell her peers about Sally's sad past. After she and Sally meet, they hit it off, but this doesn't stop Dana's concern. She wants to spruce up Sally's plain-Jane wardrobe. She even advises Sally to lie about her age so that no one wonders why she's repeating 11th grade (she's behind because she's been bumped around from school to school so often).

Dana and Sally become fast friends, but Sally is really greasing the wheels by never saying no to Dana, be it over clothing advise, a new hairstyle, or what to do with her free time. Anybody feel a trainwreck coming on? Dana's brother Jeremy, on the other hand is impossibly rude to and resentful of Sally (nobody asked him if he wanted a new sister! Harumph!). One particularly sad turn of events is when Sally dismisses the affections of Jeremy’s friend Mark Riley, not because she doesn’t like him, but because she doesn’t think Jeremy would like their dating. Worst of all, this go-with-the-flow-at-all-costs attitude isn’t really working. Dana and Jeremy are both feeling upstaged by Sally’s polite helpfulness, not realizing that she’s just trying to hold on to her new family by being a good foster daughter.

Naturally, I waited for Elizabeth Wakefield to save the day. Surely the fact that Sally dreams of writing for the school paper would give Liz the chance to intervene! It does, but this one changes thing up a little by having Liz butt in only slightly, with a sensible suggestion that Sally should do what she wants to do with her time, and that Dana would likely understand that choice. In fact, it's Sally herself who solves her family drama — but not without the aid of some local criminals.

Yeah.

The criminals, predictably, are not immediately helpful. Right when Sally is sure the Larson family is kicking her to the curb (the girl is NOT super familiar with the whole “family” thing), she, Jeremy, and Dana pick up some shady hitchhikers. To be clear, Jeremy voluntarily ignores Sally’s warning that these guys look like trouble, and then the guys demand to be driven to Kelly’s, where all of Sweet Valley’s street thugs hang out. When they arrive there, shit gets real:

“…there’s a couple of things I need from you first,” Jim said,
breathing heavily down Jeremy’s neck. “Like your wallet.”

Jeremy whipped around in his seat. “What the –”

“Or my friend here will think of something to take from your sister
here,” Jim continued, a sinister note creeping into his voice.”

Whoa! That’s right. He said “here” twice in one sentence! Oh, and he’s threatening to take advantage of Dana. But Sally, resigned to her imagined fate of familylessness, pulls a mega stunt. She pretends to be into the idea of boozing it up at Kelly’s with two crazy ne’er-do-wells. She calls Dana a “dead bore,” and says that she knows “how to have a good time – even if no one else around here does.” Yeah! It’s like that now!

Jeremy and Dana drive off. Then Dana figures out what just happened. Feeling terribly guilty, they rush to get the manly Mark Riley and all three head back to Kelly’s. In a dramatic standoff, Dana refers to Sally as “my sister.” Everyone heads back to the Larson home, and to the surprise of all three Larson children, mom and dad have decided to formally adopt Sally. Oh, happy day! She will be Dana’s sister after all!

This whole drama is handled with at least as much seriousness and grace as Elizabeth’s kidnapping. Or Regina’s kidnapping. And the book showed some promise in the way it kept Elizabeth out of the debacle – after all, we wouldn’t want our nearly-racy, sensationalist, teen soap-opera series turning into a little-miss-fix-it series, would we? Would we?

I wouldn’t. I’m counting on more drama, and I’m hoping for more problems that Elizabeth can’t solve.

Dear Diablo Cody…

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:47:20 -0500

Did Have you guys heard the news from Variety? The news about Diablo Cody signing on to direct a new adaptation of Sweet Valley High? As you might be aware, in addition to being a reluctant Sweet Valley expert, I’m also a film scholar of sorts (at least that’s what my bachelor’s degree says), but I’m putting aside any thoughts whatsoever on the pros and cons of such a project. Because since I heard this news, all I can think is, “I WANT IN!”

So, if you know Diablo Cody, or you are Diablo Cody, or you, like, have a friend of a friend of Diablo Cody, what I’m asking is simple: read The Diaries. Read them all, from beginning to end, and tell me you don’t want me on team ridiculous-teen-series-remake. I’ll be, like, an advisor.

Whatever, guys. I can dream!

Love,
Marissa

P.S. Book 33 is coming this weekend. Promise.
P.P.S. We’re both from Chicago. Just sayin.

In case you were wondering

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 11:30:11 -0500

Did you ever wonder why I only update this blog, like, once a month? It sucks, I know, waiting with bated breath for the next update on who’s doing what in the halls of Sweet Valley High and in the Spanish-tiled kitchens of our idyllic California town. The primary reason I only update every-so-often is that in order to write an entry, I have to read an entire book. And sure, that book is rarely longer than 140 pages, but still, it must be read and, for that matter, acquired from often-distant sources. The other reason is that, simultaneously with working my almost-completely-unrelated fulltime job, I maintain(ish) two other blogs: Popular Sentiment (aka “PopSent”) and Cineplexus. And I bake things. And read arguably “more serious” books. But the blogs are really the point here. If you enjoy my sardonic-overanalysis of the Sweet Valley saga, I hope you’ll check out my similarly hilarious ramblings on film and television (Cineplexus) and culture/commercials/life-in-general (PopSent) from time to time.

From some of you readers, the question seems to be not “why not post more often?” but “why the hell are you writing this blog at all?” And then “when are you going to stop writing it?” And to those people, I say “because I find it endlessly amusing,” and “possibly never, and definitely not before I finish the entire Sweet Valley High series with Magna Edition Aftershock from December, 1998.” I haven’t made a decision about the SVU series, or, say, the Elizabeth books, and I don’t plan on crossing that bridge until I come to it. In the meantime, I hope you’ll check out my other stuff – it encourages me to keep it up, follow @sweetvalley on Twitter, and tell your friends (and favorite publications, maybe?) about my little project. We’ve got a lot of ground left to cover.